02 December 2008

Cakes or Consequences

Occasionally, whilst engaged in the business of parenting, you get to witness your child absorbing a life lesson with no input or effort on your part whatsoever. Consequences, for instance. One of the toughest lessons to drill into a kid, right? I mean, let's face it, how far into adulthood do most of us get, still struggling with the concept of consequences? Reaping what one sows and all that.

Male Offspring started wrestling season a couple of weeks ago. Last year he wrestled in the 152-lb weight class. This year, as he's still a growing boy who drinks his milk, he's been weighing in at a steady 157 lbs, meaning he'll move up to the 160-lb weight class for his sophomore season.

Doesn't sound like much of a difference, but moving up a weight class is tough, especially when first breaking into the new class. It often means wrestling older, more experienced guys. He's been lifting the weights and practicing hard in anticipation of going up against those 160-pounders.

So today, he goes for a hydration test and a weigh-in.

163 pounds. Uh-oh. Up 6 pounds in less than a week. Shot right past his new weight class.

Think the Great Cake Fest of 2008 had anything to do with it? *

Unless he wants to jump two weight classes, and suddenly be wrestling those 172-lb boys, I'm thinking he'd best jettison the remaining cake bits still populating my kitchen.

Good luck, Son. And let that be a lesson to you. Consequences. That's right. Cake Karma. The hard truth, Son, is that cake is evil. That icing may taste sweet going down, but it's Satan's ambrosia. It will cling to your ass like a bitter conservative clings to guns and religion. It's time you knew the truth: the wages of cake is death, at least on the wrestling mat.

Welcome to the hard reality of consequences, Son. Now you understand why I can not allow Oreos into the house.

*At least I hope it was the Great Cake Fest of 2008. If not, that means it was the Thanksgiving food. And I've been eating that mess like a mo'fo for days.


It seems I was mistaken. The lesson on consequences did not have quite the lasting impression as I'd hoped. Oh, he did learn about the consequences of eating multiple cakes on top of Thanksgiving leftovers. He learned a right hard lesson when he stepped on the scales that first day back to practice.

For about a hot minute.

Then he lifted some weights. Then he rode his bike from his high school to the neighboring high school for the required early-season hydration test. Probably 10 miles, round trip. Then they wrestled. Then he weighed himself again.

159 lbs.

I'm sorry ... what? What is there, a tapeworm in there? Who gains six pounds in less than a week, then loses four of it in a few hours? So apparently, he's fine. Good to go. Ready to wrestle.

Brat. Mark my words, Son, in real life, there are consequences. Serious consequences. That's right. Consequences for cake. Mark my words.


  1. We can always blame Mom and her good cooking!

  2. I told you you should have sent me the rest of that cake.

  3. Are we sure it isn't muscle weight??

  4. wow..now he has to work hard at losing weight or at getting better at wrestling the big guys. Me, since I am no good at losing weight I would just take the beating.

  5. At 16, with an athlete's metabolism, he should be able to dump those extra pounds in no time.

    At 54, losing 6 lbs. is like starving yourself for a year.

  6. Ah well the lessons of cause and effect are better taught by the universe than the parents anyway.

    Good luck to the lad either way!

  7. Maybe he should've taken a crap before he weighed in. I've heard that makes a difference. And shaved his head.

  8. Well he's just gonna have to use brains over brawn!
    I'll take the thinking guy over the hulking guy anytime.

  9. tell him if he keeps this up, you'll be able to feed him hay and sleep in the barn with the rest of the horses..ha..
    hey mom, he's a growing boy...you probably haven't seen the last of the weight gain either.

  10. Your kid weighs more than I do.

  11. @RG: "Skinny Bitch!"

    I echo what Doralong had to say. Better the universe teaching the lesson, than mom. Tends to sink in much faster that way. Time to go jump some rope, young man...

  12. "Satan's ambrosia"

    Good God, it sounds like you are also penning a new Harlequin romance novel!

  13. Willym: How sweet that you think I have cooking skillz. Bless your heart.

    JP: Looking at the son, maybe I did.

    Lost: No. Why no, I'm not.

    Sage: One would think. But no, apparently, he doesn't have to work hard at all.

    EvilG: Why yes, as a matter of fact, you are a prophetic sage. (Not to be confused with any commenters by that name.)

    Doralong: Or not.

    WM: Or he could just blink.

    Sling: Me too. Unless it's one of those annoying nerdy types who plays with Star Trek dolls.

    YDG: Hello, Trigger?

    RG: Skinny bitch.

    Tater: One would think. I guess he'll learn about consequences some other day.

    Al: Actually ... in this economy ... maybe I could pick up a few extra bucks that way. What's a little thing like self-respect in times like these?

  14. So, the little brat dropped the weight already. Just wait. His day will come too and then cake will have its vengeance!

    Do I sound bitter? I outweigh the little monster by about 7 lbs. And I have a feeling he's much taller than I am.

  15. It will cling to your ass like a bitter conservative clings to guns and religion.

    Ain't that the sad, dimpled truth.

  16. Oh, the cake may have been defeated...but you and I know its only temporary. Cake will wait in the wings, waiting for the day that it can jump directly to his midsection - and stay there forever and ever. And ever. Cake is a patient foe...

  17. Maybe there was a lot of fiber in the cake...for quick weight-gain that lasts, I recommend Fudge Tempura. It causes permafat.

  18. Your kid still weighs more than I do.

    Cake does have a way of catching up with you - especially after 30. Or 40, for that matter.

    Yeah, I know - shut up you skinny bitch.

  19. Six pack. At my age, I'm just happy not to have a beer keg.

    Oh, and RG, shut up you skinny bitch!

  20. The consequences will arrive ... when he's inching ever closer to 40.

  21. MG: "Cake is a patient foe" - ha! So too, pumpkin pie. Take it from my ass.

    Allan: Permafat! OMG. I have some of that.

    RG: Yeah, well, you need to eat a hamburger, honey. And that's coming from a vegetarian.

    Evil-G: I've got one of those beer barrels you see St. Bernards carrying around. A really big St. Bernard.

    Red: Yeah, I told him that's the general consensus. He's still at that stage where he laughs in the face of long-term consequences, though.

  22. Having daughters is so different. As long as he is healthy and active and strong...all the rest will take care of itself. Was he constipated??? ; ) Is that why the weight loss...? Just a passing thought.

  23. "All you guys feed him is pancakes and pizza. It's wonder his eyes don't pop out of his head." - Berta the housekeeper, from Two and a Half Men, commenting on Jakes constipation.

  24. I thought of you yesterday as I made cupcakes with the little girl across the road.......

  25. My brothers were wrestlers. Oh, how well I remember the pre-weigh-in diets and exercise excitement. Sometimes, if my brother was trying REALLY hard to squeak down an weight class he wouldn't even use toothpaste because it had calories! Sounds like your boy has a nice rapid-fire metabolism though (for now). Those consequences will bite him in the ass one of these days. And you will laugh!


I've got a fever ...