23 December 2008


Well, my two-week vacation has turned out to be more like house arrest. House arrest with three teenagers bouncing off the walls from cabin fever. Not a Norman Rockwell scenario here, folks. And to think, just a week ago, I was excited at the prospect of finally, just once, Christmas shopping during the day, like a person of leisure, instead of battling the mobs after dark with all the other frazzled, bleary-eyed, homicidal after-work shoppers. Sounds like a little thing, but I was really fucking looking forward to that. 

You may have heard, since we apparently made it onto the national news, that western Washington got a visit from Jack fucking Frost.

Snow doesn't bother me. I was practically born with a snow shovel in my hand. I've spent 95% of my life in big snow areas. Areas that actually have snowplows. And salt. Areas that know how to deal with snow. When it snows in Seattle, it basically shuts the joint down. Seattle has about 25 plows for the entire metro area, which is akin to putting out a fire with spit. They ran out of de-icer, and the next shipment can't make it over the pass from eastern WA.

I live north of Seattle, where there are even fewer resources to battle the white stuff. The idea of a snowplow making it even to the main roads where I live is a crap shoot, and you can forget regular neighborhood streets. Also, they don't put the blade all the way down where they do plow. They leave about 2" of snow, which gets compacted and turns to ice. They don't use salt, either. Apparently, it "damages the roads". Much like snow plow blades, I guess. Maybe so, but places like Ohio and Minnesota and friggin' Kaposvár, Hungary seem to do fine with the damn salt. Come on, how often would we even need to salt here anyway?

It started snowing about a week ago. Christmas is Thursday, and I've been stuck in the house for a week. Worse, everyone else in the PNW has been stuck inside as well. The crowds will rival Black Friday if I do make it out. Which is doubtful. More snow predicted, starting tomorrow night.

Fuck you, Jack Frost, and the cold front you rode in on. Seattle is NOT the place for this level of Winter Wonderland.

The dorky channel 5 weatherman is in his element. He's practically sporting a snow-boner every time the news comes on. He's one of those guys who fancies himself suave and debonair. He's got a 70s mustache and somehow manages to swagger from behind his big weather desk. He wears a leather jacket on-air sometimes. I bet he was a football player back in high school. I can just see him reliving the glory days with the guys over a case of Bud Light. I'd also be willing to bet he uses the term "little lady". Anyway, he's a headliner now. Forget the anchors, bitches, Local Weather Guy's at the top of the hour now. Yeah. I watch the other channel with Steve Pool and his Double Doppler Radar.

My normally cynical friend remarked that it must be so cozy being snowed in with family, "with all your babies surrounding you". Why no, as a matter of fact, she doesn't have teenagers. She, incidentally, is house-sitting for a mutual friend in a gorgeous abode perched atop one of Seattle's famous hills, with no cable or Internet access. Fantastic view, though. She's going nowhere except out of her mind.

Let me tell you, my "babies" have no interest in kicking it with dear old Mom in the midst of this frost fest. I haven't even had the nerve to suggest popping corn and bringing out ye ole board games. Male Offspring has followed the siren song of his PlayStation, cloistering himself away in his hermitage room.

Early on, there was the requisite fighting with Teen Demon about taking her car out in this mess. She is somehow under the impression that the ability to drive in snow is genetic. An inherited trait, like curly hair. Or sarcasm. After the first day or two, she quickly realized that the hills are alive with the sound of crunching metal, and left her car safely buried in the driveway. Not to be deterred, however, from the critical activity of Hanging Out, she donned her little felt boots and cute little fashion coat that literally does not cover her navel, and her cute little yarn gloves, ready to set out hiking and meet her friends. Five miles away. Yes, of course I tried to stop her. Words were exchanged, shall we say. You forget, she is over 18, and therefore knows everything. I did make her trade her faux boots for my hiking boots, causing much eye rolling and gnashing of teeth.

Then, the Bohemian, who is usually sensitive to my concerns, and whose time in DC has raised her awareness of risks to one's personal safety, hears that Main Street has been closed to traffic. Main Street is a colossal hill, or more accurately, series of hills, descending all the way down to the ferry docks. She shrieks this news to her younger brother, announcing that they HAVE TO go sledding on Main Street! It's a once in a lifetime opportunity! I, boring, mean mother that I am, crankily brought up such foolish notions as, how would they get there, what about the fact that we have no sleds, that Male Offspring has no boots, that Main Street is about five miles from our house, and the like. No matter. Once in a lifetime opportunity! Adventure! Thrills! A journey of exploration and discovery! (Yes, she actually said that to me.)

Yeah. Main Street shrouded in snow. The gateway drug to skydiving and bungee jumping.

I'm so done with snow. I just wanted to go to Zoo Lights, plan some fun outings, and have a normal Christmas shopping experience. Is that too damn much to ask? Whatever. Anyway, for your viewing enjoyment, here's a taste of the past week's snow extravaganza.

Batman & Mason playing Find Your Toy in the Snowdrift

Mason gets cold easily.

It's never too late to support your local legislators and judges.
In fall, a campaign election sign. In winter ...
... custom candidate snowboards.

Male Offspring shredding the slopes on a piece of Formica.

Little brother gives the Bohemian a push as Batman looks on.

Batman isn't the most effective sled dog.

Teen Demon gives the Bohemian a good pull.
Male Offspring rides his Judge Lucas sign down an unidentified hill.


  1. I was gonna say, "who needs a sled, when there's cardboard!" but it looks like the kids were a step ahead of me.

    I feel your pain. Though at least here in Boston, they do clear the streets, or at least make a half assed attempt.

    Currently the temps are in the teens, but it is suppose to warm up tomorrow and rain, so we can look forward to flooding because all the storm drains are blocked! Not to mention all the fun of trying to walk through slush.

    I'm sure that the kids will eventually long for the thrill of popping corn, if for no other reason than to keep themselves from gouging their own eyes out from boredom.

    Just try not to kill anyone.

  2. This is not what you want to hear, but it actually sounds nice. Here in DC, it's fucking freezing cold, but with no snow to go along with it. BO-O-O-O-O-ORING.

    Anyhoo. My parents (as you know) live in Olympia, and my dad's mantra when moving there was "no snow, no air conditioning." I think he's zero for two this year.

    If it makes you feel any better (and it won't), the whole country is getting hit by unusual amounts of cold this year. Enjoy your white Xmas, to the extent that you can ...

  3. Breathe deeply and pray you don't run short of alcohol..

  4. I rue the day when I officially hated snow instead of praying for more of it.

    I think it was about the time I had to drive to work every day.

  5. Oh I remember when it snowed in the PNW..everything is a mess...but we also made anything we could get our hands on into sleds.

    Your post made me laugh so hard..I think our weather guy gets a boner when it rains. so funny.

  6. the mother part of me is screaming WHAT?
    alone with 3 kids??? oh feckity feck...no way...but how come no snow men..or snow women.or even snow angels...sigh*...all that snow..I'd probably love it for about a day, then would be looking for some desert and cacti

  7. I...can't...hold...it...in - Bwaaaa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha

    I guess me being unemployed and semi-broke ain't so bad after all.

    In any case, try and have a Happy Holiday Season - after all, you DO have your family around. Admit it - You love it and you know it.

  8. Of course, here we were hoping for the white Christmas and are having your wet Christmas instead. The kids are bummed, but it does make those last-minute grown-up errands easier. Hang in, dear. The kids, at least, will remember this fondly for the rest of their lives.

  9. Damn...guess I'm getting old...I would have never thought to use the plastic election signs...I borrowed the neighbor kids plastic disc. Okay...kinda borrowed...it was late and they weren't using it. hah!

    I loves the snow but I hate that I'm stuck here on the hill and have to use a weeks worth of vacation because all the freakin' roads are closed. I wonder if I can get the city to reimburse me? Yeah...that's gonna happen. Get freaking snow plow or two!

    Dontch' just love dogs in the snow? Too much fun.


I've got a fever ...