06 June 2008

You Wanted a Rant?

Still raining this morning in the Seattle area, we're expecting a high of 56* today, with clouds and continuing showers throughout the day.

I am about to snap here, people. I'm am seriously feeling fucking foul. As in a weird version of claustrophobic, no joke. Like I'm on the verge of suddenly breaking into a full out scream and running until I pass out or hit sun.

I think we all know which would happen first.

I'm not kidding. I wonder if I'm skirting around the edge of a panic attack. I've never had a panic attack, but if it's something like you want to jump out of your skin and the whites of your eyes are visible and there's a scream stuck in your throat which keeps you from breathing, then that's it. How stupid would that be? "Seattle area woman's panic attack resulted from excessive rain." Right. I handled divorce and all other kinds of shit, but no, it's the never-ending, wetass grey that's about to put me over the fucking edge. How lame is that. I don't need anti-depressants, I need some sort of sun pill.

I know you all think I'm extreme on this subject, but come on -- we are exactly 14 days from Summer Solstice, and we were arguing about turning on the heat last night. If it weren't so goddamned expensive here, I'd seriously have it on at least 10 months of the year.

I was watching Candy Crowley on the news last night. It's the middle of the night there in DC.

There were bugs flying around her.

That means it's hot where she is. As in actual summer.

It looked weird. Just seeing those few little bugs flying around made me think of warm nights on my old terrace, where at 11pm the big tiles still felt warm under my feet, and my beer would sweat, and the bottle would feel good against my forehead, and I could sit in the chair in nothing but shorts and a strappy top, and the chair wouldn't be wet or cold, and the breeze was warm, not wet and cold, and I could spread out and breathe without having to pull into myself and wrap up in something. It even smelled warm there.

That was back when I owned a fan.

Anyway, I was surprised at how seeing those bugs flying around at night hit me, how foreign that looked to me now.

Such a little thing. I wouldn't even have noticed it before.

This morning as I was getting out of my car, fumbling with my book bag, purse, coffee, umbrella, and car keys, feeling my hair go limper and flatter by the minute while a big drip of water slid down my neck, I had the urge to just sit down in the parking lot and cry. "Fine! I give up! You fucking broke me, Seattle! UNCLE for fuckssake, now just bring out the goddamn sun. Please."

Of course, I didn't. But that's what I was thinking. You never know what's going on inside people, do you?

I make it into the building, feeling so foul and discombobulated trying to hang on to everything and close my umbrella at the same time that I only glare at the three flights of stairs and head straight for the Fat Woman's Sanctuary, aka the elevator. Which only makes things worse.

I'll never make it until Male Offspring graduates.


  1. yup..that's a panic attack.
    i have them every time i go to the house of satan..(walmart)...when i lived in oregon the rain made me nuts..here i was a texas gal, where 110 degrees was no big deal and it was july 68 degrees and raining...i would weep to go back to texas...and everything smells like mildew...yu have my sympathy..

  2. It was 82° here at dawn, the garden is dying for lack of rain, and the bugs are eating me alive. I'll trade you a box of mine for a box of yours. I'll even include extra bugs for no additional charge. Hell, you can have ALL the bugs.

    Excellent rant. I think you should just let it loose in the parking lot one day. It would be cathartic.

  3. YDG -- So you know of what I speak. It could also be partly because the Ex arrives next Wednesday. Yeah.

    Speck -- 82* at dawn? [commences wailing and gnashing of teeth]. I don't want a hole herd of bugs. Just a few. To remind me.

  4. I finally gave up and found the old bottle of wellbutrin. Then I started a fire so I could finally get warm.

    It looks like anti-depressants and the wood stove for another month before the sun shines.


  5. I admire your fortitude. I whine about it being too cold for me here in Virginia. I don't do cold, or clouds well at all.

    All kidding aside, the light therapy really does help! And is often covered by insurance.. just sayin' might be worth a try. Probably cheaper than Prozac or a lawyer for the final rampage ;)

  6. Hang tough, Cowbell. It's gotta get better eventually. Right? Maybe?

    We're currently 57 and overcast here in Boston if that is any comfort. They keep saying it's going to warm up but someone forgot to tell the weather. We DO however have bugs. I'll send you some.

  7. You'll survive honey. Deep breath now - In - Out - there you go.

  8. Sorry honey. It does sound like a bit of a panic attack. Mine were always coupled with chest pains, making me think I was also dying, on top of everything else. Listen to Auntie RG, and breathe in and out slowly counting to ten on the inhale, holding in for four, breathing out in ten. It works wonders. Honestly, I was able to throw out the drugs I was given to combat them, simply through breathing.

  9. Rain'll do that do you after a few days - hope its finer by now... glad to see you back

  10. Rodger --- we've been building fires here too. That's just not right. I may have to finally consider the Wellbutrin, damnit.

    Doralong --- I do have one of those sunlamps. (or, Sunshine in a Box, as I not-so-fondly refer to it.) It helps somewhat, but not so much as I'd hoped it would.

    EvilG --- >sigh< well, after 4 years, it only seems to get worse. A rainy stretch I could handle, even a bad year here and there, but it's the knowing that even when you DO have sunshine, it's going to be shortlived, and that basically grey/wet/dark is the norm, that's the sticky bit. Wow, nothing like a cheery friend to keep you reading a blog, eh? Sorry I'm such a downer about this. Blech.

    RG --- Yeah yeah, "in with anger, out with love" ... ok ...

    Tater --- I think I need to breathe my way to Arizona. Goddamn this fucking housing market.

    MC --- well, it's the "few years" that's getting to me, ha! Thanks.


I've got a fever ...