05 June 2008

A Weather Rant.

Photo Credit: Melanie Connor, NY Times

Here's what I heard on the radio on my way in to work this morning. Before caffeine. Keep that in mind.

Cloudy and showers continuing today and on through the weekend. We're looking at possible highs in the upper 50s this afternoon.

I'm sorry, did you say upper 50s, Cheery Radio Bitch? What is this, March?!

Nope, guess again. June in Seattle, kids! That magical month when the continuing rains and cool maritime breeze set your teeth to chattering. The time of year when, approaching the summer solstice and full of hope, you shed your knee socks, shave the bottom of half of your legs, paint your toes, and, like a dimwitted Pollyanna, don your kicky capris and filmy summer top ... only to see your exposed, sickly pallor break into a landscape of goosebumps.

Yeah, that little summer fit lasted about five minutes. Same as the "sunbreak" that brought it on.

And those of you from Alaska, don't even try. It's supposed to get up to 70* in Fairbanks today. I hate you. Even those of you in Greenland don't have a legitimate gripe: yes, we're at about the same temperature today, but you bitches are under "partly sunny skies", while I haven't seen so much as a sunbreak in days. So take your partly sunny and shove it where the sun doesn't shine. Oh, that would be Seattle!

Actually, you all may be interested to know that the place most similar to Seattle's weather is Iceland. No, I'm not joking. Reykjavik could be our sister city today, with 52* and overcast.

Oh wait, they have higher humidity, so it feels warmer. My bad.

And ... it just started raining. Are you kidding me?

So, with 52* and overcast -- as opposed to Seattle's 48* and pissing on my head -- Iceland's weather is a better bet than Seattle. I'm thinking Cheery Radio Bitch was working under a heavy dose of optimism with that "upper 50s" bullshit.

And you all wonder why I'm a bitch?


  1. If it makes you feel any better, it's about 59 and rainy here in Boston. Did I mention the wind, which is making it feel colder? So really, it's feeling more like 49.

    I hope the sun comes out soon. And the weather bitches are all liars.

  2. Major thunder storms and hail and scattered tornadoes killing people here.

  3. EvilG -- Nice try, but I've seen your garden pics. You've had sun.

    Mom -- One thing I don't miss is tornadoes. I was raised with those things, scary buggers.

  4. it's going to be in mid 90's again today...plus the wind is blowing 40miles an hour...if i didn't have such big tits, i would have been tossed all over the yard yesterday...
    i remember when i first moved to oregon all those many years ago...i kept saying it smelled weird.figured it out..it was mold/moss/mildew...all of the above...

  5. YDG: Yes. My bathroom smells like mold. How the hell is it supposed to dry out?

  6. Oh honey, I hear you loud and clear...the sun hasn't been shining in Portland either. And...to make it worse, I was in NYC, in the rain, while you all were enjoying a weekend of sunshine. Yep, I missed it all. You should see how cracker white my skin is...no...actually you shouldn't, you don't want to go blind. Hell...the only brigh light I get is the halogen desk lamp reflecting off my Pillsbury Dough Boy tan.

    Oh...sorry...didn't mean to take over your blog. Guess I should go write my own weather rant.

    I can't wait for July 5th when the sun finally comes back to the PNW!

    Oh...and glad to see you back!

  7. We had muggy 90's today, followed by many tornadoes. I'll trade.

  8. Rodger --- isn't that a weird thing about living in the PNW? Even if the place you're visiting is sunny & warm, if you miss it back home ... it's like you've been robbed of a bit of your small quota. I see your Pillsbury Dough Boy, and raise you one Fish Belly White.

    Tater --- well, I don't miss tornadoes, that's for sure.


I've got a fever ...