23 December 2007

This Old Motherfucking House: Episode V

Episode V: Half Baked

My oven is broken. We nearly had an oven fire. There were no cinnamon rolls this morning, which was a damn shame, as we came in soaking wet from the park, and really could've used those cinnamon rolls with some hot coffee. My house still smells like wet dog.

The element broke. Completely. It's in two pieces, thanks to the white hot phosphorous explosion before I hit the circuit breaker. What the hell is it with me and Christmas? That sewer explosion in '05 should've covered me for life. And you all haven't even read the draft I started, which very nearly resulted in ginormous vet bills and/or a dead dog right before Christmas. Again. And I haven't even told you about the discrepancy with the plumbers bill. Oh, yes, their actual bill was quite a bit higher than Chuck's written "estimate". Fuck you, Chuck.

I'm on my way out to get the part. Not exactly the Christmas gift I would've bought myself, but whatever. Our oven is older than Methuselah's ass, so it will require much unscrewing and fastening of wires. No Plug-n-Play element here, not in the house of Cowbell.

GE does not post online repair manuals; they prefer that you order their manuals online for $17.95. I'm sorry, General Effing-Electric, but tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I don't have time to wait for your goddamn manual to arrive. We need macaroni and cheese tomorrow. Fuckers. Just tell me how to fix your oldass, brokeass oven.

I hope I can fix this POS. If not, I am going to be highly irate at ordering Pizza Hut for Christmas dinner. They'll probably be closed too. Bastards.

In other news:

Batman learned a new trick today, which I guess makes up for him almost dying with his foolish Ibuprofen-eating ass. Yeah. More on that later, but he can now sail over the net at the tennis court to retrieve his ball.

The Male Offspring learned how to ride the ripstick he got for his birthday. We'd been waiting since the end of November for a day without rain, so he could try it. This morning we just said screw it and went to the park. Welcome to winter in the PNW, people.

Oh, wait ------- BREAKING NEWS ------- Teen Demon just told me that the tub isn't draining.


  1. Wow, well I guess I could say something sappy, like atleast you have your family by your side and you are all safe. (including your dogs)
    Or I could say something corny like, you should wish for a co-dependant lesbian with an engineering background to be in your life. She can fix things with the snap of your fingers.

    But All I got is, I hope you and your family can laugh at this someday, I really hope somehow you get the mac and cheese cooked. Most of all I hope you all have a great holiday...and it really sucks to be you!

  2. Funny you should mention that. I was just watching Margaret Cho (love her!) and when they were filming the audience before/after the show, who was there but Zan the Rad Dyke Plumber. I'm like, oh, you're there for Margaret, but what about my pipes, Zan?

    The son and I will tackle the element tomorrow. The guy at the shop did not give me a Christmas discount. Then again, I got to see the game today, and he had to work.

  3. Margaret Cho is a complete riot- that bitch is seriously funny..

    Sorry about the element! Having had that happen I really do know exactly how much fun that isn't. At this point I'd settle for the power not going out yet again myself.. Three times yesterday alone- tends to really hose the cookies in the oven that were halfway done, you'd think after the second time I'd have just said to hell with it and made myself a drink.

    I hope for a very uneventful Christmas day to be visited upon your house dear!

  4. The good news is you're a tiger. I always guessed. Sorry about the oven..and the plumbing...and the plumbers bill.

    I am wishing you mac and cheese for dinner and hope things start to turn around. This does not sound like the way to spend Christmas.

    You are well on your way to outdoing my Christmas bad luck story. Stop it!

    I too hope you can look back and laugh at it, as I do with the Christmas root canal, with bonus burglar.

  5. Oh honey! Well, hope it all comes together somehow. I'd send over cookies for the kids and some seriously spiked eggnog for you if I could. Have a merry one, dear, with your wonderful kids and doggies, with or without the effing element.

    Question: Is Methusela's ass older than the rest of him?

    happiness and love, merriness and joy, all around to you and yours.

  6. Okay I'm going to be sappy - you got the dogs, the offspring of your loins and you are safe. F..k the element how about cooking hot dogs over a bonfire made from all those bills from the OMFH?

    Honestly though, sorry for the lastest disaster with the house but I know that you and the gang will make the best of it. Have a good Christmas.

    And what the hell is this about Batman?

  7. do you guys need to take turns making out with jesus and santa? why are they so pissed off? i hope you get some mac n cheese because that s cruel and unusual.

  8. Doralong: I would totally commit lesbianism for Margaret Cho. Sorry about the cookies!

    Evil-G: Don't worry. You're still the raging Christmas Story King. Er, Queen. It could've been worse, had things gone differently with Batman, or had that oven fire actually gotten out of control. Whew.

    Elizabeth: Methuselah's ass is so old, when he farts, dust comes out. I'm hoping the state liquor store is still open today.

    Willym: Wha...? What was that about my loins? Well we won't be cooking hot dogs on a stick, as 1) the son installed the new burner element this morning, and 2) this is a cow-flesh-free zone. I may, however, find a use for those bills in the bathroom ...
    I'll finish the draft about Batman and put it up. Fool dog.

    Monica: Well, we cooked cinnamon rolls (courtesy of the doughy little man with the hat, not from scratch, of course) this morning after the son installed the new element, and it looks like the oven is ok now, $50 later. Thanks, Santa, yeah, that's just what I wanted in my stocking, a friggin' oven element. Maybe he is pissed off...

  9. Girlfriend, you know what you need? You need to send the remaining offspring out of the house for one night, and let teh boyz come in and throw you one hell of a Evil-House-Spirit-Exorcism party, complete with a dumb straight muscle-boy stripper, 4:20, booze and music that's way too loud for the neighbors.

    Now, we may not be able to get rid of all the evil spirits, but after the party we'll throw you, who cares?

    Just make sure that you hide the chaps from the kiddies, that I'm sure someone will leave behind - no pun intended. Well okay, maybe a little pun.

    In any case - Happy Holidays!

  10. WTF? Do you have some evil cloud hovering over your house? Damn, I want to tell you to go out and give a plumber/electrician a sexual favor and just get the place fixed, but the way things look, he would probably be a liar and an asshole not that Chuck is not, but just thinking. Guess that's not very Christmasy of me. Where is Sling when you need him??

  11. I keep getting hits from Amityville. Is that you?

    I hope the meal gets prepared and enjoyed and that the holiday is a great one!

  12. RG: Two words: Hell, Yes. Have I told you lately that I love you? (Chaps? What is this, one of your stories?)

    Rosemary: I know, right? I dont' know how I got on whatever shitlist I'm on. It can't be Santa's naughty list ... I have not been even close to naughty. This year.

    Allan: HAHAHAHAHA!


I've got a fever ...